Grief At 3 Years
Updated: Dec 29, 2020
I'm taking this time to chat about something than creating, I'm going to chat about something unfortunately we all will go through at some point in our lives, GRIEF. The passing of a loved one & in my case my dad. I am going to just write it out, so I'm not sure how long or how short this post with be or if it'll make any sense, but I felt that it was something I needed to do for myself & also it may help someone else that may be going through this unknown process.
My world completely changed August 13, 2017 around 10:43am. I still remember the dreadful call that I received, my life paused but all my emotions kept going on for what seemed like forever. I felt as if I never had a break from crying or over thinking about my dad. My feelings of missing him were bigger than I could have ever imagined & then there was that big question.. will he remember me? Then the feeling of never creating new memories together. So of course what I did the first few months was try to find any pictures of us on my phone, old social media accounts & relive those moments. But then I got to the point that, that was it there was no more. I had found everyone & even edited them to make them look new again. I was pretty surprised how little I had of 39 years, I needed more, I wanted more but obviously it had come to an end. I even would ask people to tell me stories about when I was younger of how it was & to tell me how much he loved me. But at some point it hit me, our time here was over. Everyone told me & still to this day, to just hold on to what I do have, as sweet as it is & sounded in my mind, I just couldn't get there. My heart was crushed that I would never hear his voice or see his face or even see him stomp his boots to get the dirt off them ever again. I tried & have tried to remember all those moments, but honestly it's too painful to do so, so instead I just cry. Not every day is the same of course, there are seriously good & bad days. Of course holidays or special occasions are definitely harder but then there's birthdays & fathers day, that for myself I just hate & would rather sleep until the following day. It's like as if your heart just knows to hurt a little more on those days. I only have about a month after fathers day to enjoy again, cause then here comes July 13th seriously like a wrecking ball. The last VM he ever left me & ending it with, "never forget how much I love you." There was a time about a year & half ago that, that seemed enough to get me through... yeah no that ended quick & then another level of grief hit, or who knows maybe I still was grieving like before but just had put a band-aid to fix it. Cause let's be honest, no one likes be sad or missing someone all the time. Now at 3 years, I'd love to say that this time around has been better or easier...nope it's just been just as bad. I relive every day, moment or wonder where he was 3 years ago. It's just so strange, how anything or everything seems unfair or off. It's like my body, heart & mind are lost again. As much as I try to come back to the present, some part of me still lingers. Day's approaching his death, are absolutely the worst!! I am a complete mess, crying & holding feelings back, cause I don't want to show it, I want it to pass. But I know I need to just ride this grief out. It's true, grief has no end, no true healing & no grief is the same. There is also isn't a right way to grieve. I have found even though it's hard, find someone that you can just call or text to vent to whatever you're feeling at the moment, I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life that know my struggle. A bestfriend is for life & I definitely have a few. Grief is a small word, with 1 syllable now I know why, cause we fill in all the feelings to make it what it is. So if you're going on your 1st day, month, 6 months, a year or 3 years... it's okay to be going through whatever it is. Only you know how you're feeling & embrace it. It will pass, that I do know, I wish I could say that it won't come back again, but like I mentioned all thru my post that's not the case. Just ride the wave & dance in the rain.
Thank you so much for letting me share a little bit of my experience with the passing of my dad, I absolutely appreciate it more than you'll ever know.